Divorce
Divorce and How it Affects Children
By Dr. Barrows and Dr. Kellman (Psychiatrist)
If you are considering separation or divorce here are some thoughts from the perspective of your child's well being. How to tell your child that your family will be separating/divorcing.
Birth to 2 years
How you tell your family that you will be divorcing is important. We suggest that honesty is always important but age appropriate is key. This youngest age will not really get feelings of love and hate well, this is too abstract. So tell them that the two of you have made a decision to not live together any more. One parent will live here and the other will live over there. The more concrete you can be the more they will get what is going on. Please do not share with them the real details of why. They are definitely not able to handle these details. They listen in on conversations you may have on the phone as they play. Speak discretely.
Do tell them that they will have a bed and a room in both places and that they will spend time with both parents as the two of you (or the courts) decide. Tell them that daily routines will be essentially the same but tell them some differences. Keep it simple. This is not a time to be emotional with them. They are not leaving, nor are you. Many parents may feel badly about this moment. You can practice it before hand.
2-5 years
This age group will ask concrete questions occasionally. Answer their question, not the one you think they should be asking. Refrain from saying things like: He or she was sleeping with someone else and I am really mad as hell and so I kicked him/her out!? The details of your divorce are private and often should remain that way for the children. Be honest but no details please. As above, give concrete examples of how their lives will be the same and how they will be different.
5-12 years
This age group will ask for details rarely and an example of an answer may sound like this: Mom and Dad are not happy living together any more and we have decided to have two homes for now. One will be here and the other will be there. We both love you and know that we will be happier this way. It is nothing that you did and there is nothing you can do to make us want to live together again. Stress the fact that it is not their fault and also that you both still love them. Love is forever!
12-20 years
This age group is ready for details but it still is not appropriate to give them more than what is said above to the younger ones. When they push you, you might say: We used to be happy together but now we seem to fight a lot. We will be happier if we live apart. Behavioral issues may arise like poor grades or acting out. Professional help can really help many families. Call us and we can first discuss what is going on and then help you find someone.
The goal in a divorce is not to screw up the child! To that end we suggest that both parents be mindful of what they say to the child. Ultimately what most of us want for our children is that they grow up happy and productive and that they find and are able to maintain loving relationships with others, period. So, when the father says things like “that proves how bad the mother is” the child then integrates this and no longer trusts the mother. Then the mother says bad things about the father and now the child integrates this and now the child neither trusts the mom nor the dad. This child is dangling out there! They cannot trust the mom nor the dad. Oops. The very thing parents did not intend to do they did. As this child grows up loving relationships may be very hard for them.
So, even in divorce, it is important for them to have reinforced that both parents are good people and capable of loving their child. While this may be hard to say and harder to do, it may be the most important thing for the parents to know about divorce. No matter how angry you may be at your spouse, and may want to act out towards them, DO NOT USE YOUR CHILD TO PISS OFF YOUR SPOUSE!
Having others in your life is important too. Family can really pitch in here. Stability in an aunt and uncle, grandparents can be most valuable as models and a rock for the children. Visit more often with family. Besides family, teachers and religious help are available. Most churches and synagogues offer spiritual help that can be invaluable for parents and children. Professional help from a social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist can also stabilize the transition of divorce. Your pediatrician can also be very useful as well. Call us as we can help. Many families have lots of issues to work out.
Pediatric health issues
1. Will health insurance be changing? Which parent is in charge of claims? This will be part of the settlement agreement. We respectfully ask that we are not part of your divorce. So do not ask us to bill the other parent only to find out that they are not responsible. Legally speaking, who ever brings the child in is responsible for the bill. That may mean the parent who is there may send the bill to the other parent or pay it himself or herself. Parents who do not take responsibility for their child's bill is an example of not putting their child first. This is disrespectful of the child and us. It sends a message to the child many times about what it is like to be an irresponsible parent. This is not a good lesson on family values to teach your child.
2. Who can and will bring the children to the office? We sometimes see aunts or uncles, grandparents or nannies. Work with us by being available for a phone call. Remember we often times need legal consent for immunizations or blood tests. The world of cell phones has aided this a lot.
3. How will one parent who brings the child to the office communicate to the other what happened in the office? Does the child have a cold and does he/she need what doses of over the counter medications or does he/she have another ear infection and needs antibiotics? How do antibiotics get from one house to the other? A guiding principle in divorce is the child comes first. So if you have poor communication with the other parent, your child loses in situations like this. This is also true for school and music lessons and sports.
4. Some parents ask us as pediatricians to call the other parent each time the child comes in to be seen. This is a lot to ask but we are happy to answer questions about the child's visit. We simply ask the parent who is in the office to inform the other parent to call us. This works well if the parents are not talking yet to each other. Texting or email alerts are easy ways to communicate to the other parent.
The goal in a divorce is to increase happiness amongst the parents. It is not to inflict pain. It is not to punish your child(ren). Your child's ability to grow up as a loving, confident, productive adult is your goal as parent. This sacred obligation is what the world depends on. Please be part of the solution and not part of the problem. Please share these thoughts with the other parent and your families and try to do what is truly best for your family.
Insights from a pediatric psychiatrist
We asked a pediatric psychiatrist whom we have worked with for more than ten years to talk a bit about divorce also. Here is what Joshua Kellman, M.D. addded.
Infants and children of all ages have a tendency to react to stress or anxiety behaviorally, that is to say, by acting out behavior rather than putting their worries into words. Probably the best tool we humans have to deal with stress and anxiety is language-when we can put what's bothering us into words, even if it doesn't make it go away, it goes a long way towards making it more manageable.
Infants and toddlers cannot do this because their language skills are not sufficiently developed yet. When they are stressed they tend to have a harder time with the tasks of infant functioning we expect of healthy development. For early infancy, these tasks include developing a healthy security in their primary attachments, regulating their bodies and their emotions, and exploring the environment. When stressed by a divorce going on around them, early infants may regress with respect to these tasks and become more insecure in their attachments (i.e. clingy), less able to regulate themselves bodily (i.e. sleep cycle dysregulation, hunger-satiation cycle dysregulation), less able to regulate themselves emotionally (i.e. more irritable, less able to be soothed), and less interested in exploring the environment.
As these early tasks are, in the first months of life, largely managed by the primary care providers (this is mothering, whether done by mothers, fathers, grandparents, nannies, etc.), and only gradually learned and taken over by the infant, in the first few years of life, the emotional attunement, availability, and responsiveness of the primary care providers is crucial to the process. Therefore, if the parents are stressed, depressed, or otherwise struggling with their divorce, this may affect their emotional availability, attunement, and responsiveness with their infant. While a certain amount of regression and irritability on the part of the infant should be expected during a divorce, too much can be a sign of significant distress in the crucial parent infant interaction. Your pediatrician can help you determine how much is too much and when to get help. Help at this stage is directed to the parent-infant dyad rather than infant alone.
Toddlers and preschool-age children are becoming cognitively capable of grasping that the family, as it has been, is dissolving. This constitutes a significant loss for the child, which will have to be processed through, emotionally, and will require significant readjustment. Developmental tasks of this age include balancing increasing autonomy, self-control, and self-assertion, as well as developing increasing levels of bodily, emotional, and self regulation, and developing a healthy sense of self (self-esteem). These tasks typically take place in a variety of contexts, including toilet training, and transition to preschool. Regressions or difficulties in these areas can involve reversals of toilet training, separation-anxiety going to school, and behavioral problems involving temper tantrums, anger outbursts, and excessive oppositionality or defiance. Also, indications or statements of poor self-esteem, sadness, or depression can arise. Again, your pediatrician can help you determine how much of these developments are too much.
The tasks of school-age development are largely centered on the capacity to focus increasing intellectual and social skills on participation in the environment with teachers, coaches, and peers. School-age children with divorcing parents may struggle with trouble staying focused, decline in academic performance, and regression to less mature stages of functioning. They may experience anxiety, which may come in the form developing specific fears, worries, or obsessions. They may become sad or depressed, less interested in activities or friends, or more irritable or angry. They may express anger or distress by fighting with siblings or getting into fights at school.
Finally, preadolescent and adolescent development are characterized by increasing peer involvement and experimentation with adult forms of autonomy, and with facets of identity. There is a much greater opportunity here for acting-out behavior to have dangerous and lasting consequences. Adolescents can certainly become depressed and anxious. However, adolescents also have a greater capacity for self-reflection, and for putting feelings into words, and should be encouraged to do so, at the right opportunity. Often, however, adolescents are not comfortable discussing such feelings with parents, and sometimes it makes more sense to involve a professional.
As before, your pediatrician can help determine when your school-age child’s or adolescent’s distress is severe enough to warrant professional attention.
By Dr. Barrows and Dr. Kellman (Psychiatrist)
If you are considering separation or divorce here are some thoughts from the perspective of your child's well being. How to tell your child that your family will be separating/divorcing.
Birth to 2 years
How you tell your family that you will be divorcing is important. We suggest that honesty is always important but age appropriate is key. This youngest age will not really get feelings of love and hate well, this is too abstract. So tell them that the two of you have made a decision to not live together any more. One parent will live here and the other will live over there. The more concrete you can be the more they will get what is going on. Please do not share with them the real details of why. They are definitely not able to handle these details. They listen in on conversations you may have on the phone as they play. Speak discretely.
Do tell them that they will have a bed and a room in both places and that they will spend time with both parents as the two of you (or the courts) decide. Tell them that daily routines will be essentially the same but tell them some differences. Keep it simple. This is not a time to be emotional with them. They are not leaving, nor are you. Many parents may feel badly about this moment. You can practice it before hand.
2-5 years
This age group will ask concrete questions occasionally. Answer their question, not the one you think they should be asking. Refrain from saying things like: He or she was sleeping with someone else and I am really mad as hell and so I kicked him/her out!? The details of your divorce are private and often should remain that way for the children. Be honest but no details please. As above, give concrete examples of how their lives will be the same and how they will be different.
5-12 years
This age group will ask for details rarely and an example of an answer may sound like this: Mom and Dad are not happy living together any more and we have decided to have two homes for now. One will be here and the other will be there. We both love you and know that we will be happier this way. It is nothing that you did and there is nothing you can do to make us want to live together again. Stress the fact that it is not their fault and also that you both still love them. Love is forever!
12-20 years
This age group is ready for details but it still is not appropriate to give them more than what is said above to the younger ones. When they push you, you might say: We used to be happy together but now we seem to fight a lot. We will be happier if we live apart. Behavioral issues may arise like poor grades or acting out. Professional help can really help many families. Call us and we can first discuss what is going on and then help you find someone.
The goal in a divorce is not to screw up the child! To that end we suggest that both parents be mindful of what they say to the child. Ultimately what most of us want for our children is that they grow up happy and productive and that they find and are able to maintain loving relationships with others, period. So, when the father says things like “that proves how bad the mother is” the child then integrates this and no longer trusts the mother. Then the mother says bad things about the father and now the child integrates this and now the child neither trusts the mom nor the dad. This child is dangling out there! They cannot trust the mom nor the dad. Oops. The very thing parents did not intend to do they did. As this child grows up loving relationships may be very hard for them.
So, even in divorce, it is important for them to have reinforced that both parents are good people and capable of loving their child. While this may be hard to say and harder to do, it may be the most important thing for the parents to know about divorce. No matter how angry you may be at your spouse, and may want to act out towards them, DO NOT USE YOUR CHILD TO PISS OFF YOUR SPOUSE!
Having others in your life is important too. Family can really pitch in here. Stability in an aunt and uncle, grandparents can be most valuable as models and a rock for the children. Visit more often with family. Besides family, teachers and religious help are available. Most churches and synagogues offer spiritual help that can be invaluable for parents and children. Professional help from a social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist can also stabilize the transition of divorce. Your pediatrician can also be very useful as well. Call us as we can help. Many families have lots of issues to work out.
Pediatric health issues
1. Will health insurance be changing? Which parent is in charge of claims? This will be part of the settlement agreement. We respectfully ask that we are not part of your divorce. So do not ask us to bill the other parent only to find out that they are not responsible. Legally speaking, who ever brings the child in is responsible for the bill. That may mean the parent who is there may send the bill to the other parent or pay it himself or herself. Parents who do not take responsibility for their child's bill is an example of not putting their child first. This is disrespectful of the child and us. It sends a message to the child many times about what it is like to be an irresponsible parent. This is not a good lesson on family values to teach your child.
2. Who can and will bring the children to the office? We sometimes see aunts or uncles, grandparents or nannies. Work with us by being available for a phone call. Remember we often times need legal consent for immunizations or blood tests. The world of cell phones has aided this a lot.
3. How will one parent who brings the child to the office communicate to the other what happened in the office? Does the child have a cold and does he/she need what doses of over the counter medications or does he/she have another ear infection and needs antibiotics? How do antibiotics get from one house to the other? A guiding principle in divorce is the child comes first. So if you have poor communication with the other parent, your child loses in situations like this. This is also true for school and music lessons and sports.
4. Some parents ask us as pediatricians to call the other parent each time the child comes in to be seen. This is a lot to ask but we are happy to answer questions about the child's visit. We simply ask the parent who is in the office to inform the other parent to call us. This works well if the parents are not talking yet to each other. Texting or email alerts are easy ways to communicate to the other parent.
The goal in a divorce is to increase happiness amongst the parents. It is not to inflict pain. It is not to punish your child(ren). Your child's ability to grow up as a loving, confident, productive adult is your goal as parent. This sacred obligation is what the world depends on. Please be part of the solution and not part of the problem. Please share these thoughts with the other parent and your families and try to do what is truly best for your family.
Insights from a pediatric psychiatrist
We asked a pediatric psychiatrist whom we have worked with for more than ten years to talk a bit about divorce also. Here is what Joshua Kellman, M.D. addded.
Infants and children of all ages have a tendency to react to stress or anxiety behaviorally, that is to say, by acting out behavior rather than putting their worries into words. Probably the best tool we humans have to deal with stress and anxiety is language-when we can put what's bothering us into words, even if it doesn't make it go away, it goes a long way towards making it more manageable.
Infants and toddlers cannot do this because their language skills are not sufficiently developed yet. When they are stressed they tend to have a harder time with the tasks of infant functioning we expect of healthy development. For early infancy, these tasks include developing a healthy security in their primary attachments, regulating their bodies and their emotions, and exploring the environment. When stressed by a divorce going on around them, early infants may regress with respect to these tasks and become more insecure in their attachments (i.e. clingy), less able to regulate themselves bodily (i.e. sleep cycle dysregulation, hunger-satiation cycle dysregulation), less able to regulate themselves emotionally (i.e. more irritable, less able to be soothed), and less interested in exploring the environment.
As these early tasks are, in the first months of life, largely managed by the primary care providers (this is mothering, whether done by mothers, fathers, grandparents, nannies, etc.), and only gradually learned and taken over by the infant, in the first few years of life, the emotional attunement, availability, and responsiveness of the primary care providers is crucial to the process. Therefore, if the parents are stressed, depressed, or otherwise struggling with their divorce, this may affect their emotional availability, attunement, and responsiveness with their infant. While a certain amount of regression and irritability on the part of the infant should be expected during a divorce, too much can be a sign of significant distress in the crucial parent infant interaction. Your pediatrician can help you determine how much is too much and when to get help. Help at this stage is directed to the parent-infant dyad rather than infant alone.
Toddlers and preschool-age children are becoming cognitively capable of grasping that the family, as it has been, is dissolving. This constitutes a significant loss for the child, which will have to be processed through, emotionally, and will require significant readjustment. Developmental tasks of this age include balancing increasing autonomy, self-control, and self-assertion, as well as developing increasing levels of bodily, emotional, and self regulation, and developing a healthy sense of self (self-esteem). These tasks typically take place in a variety of contexts, including toilet training, and transition to preschool. Regressions or difficulties in these areas can involve reversals of toilet training, separation-anxiety going to school, and behavioral problems involving temper tantrums, anger outbursts, and excessive oppositionality or defiance. Also, indications or statements of poor self-esteem, sadness, or depression can arise. Again, your pediatrician can help you determine how much of these developments are too much.
The tasks of school-age development are largely centered on the capacity to focus increasing intellectual and social skills on participation in the environment with teachers, coaches, and peers. School-age children with divorcing parents may struggle with trouble staying focused, decline in academic performance, and regression to less mature stages of functioning. They may experience anxiety, which may come in the form developing specific fears, worries, or obsessions. They may become sad or depressed, less interested in activities or friends, or more irritable or angry. They may express anger or distress by fighting with siblings or getting into fights at school.
Finally, preadolescent and adolescent development are characterized by increasing peer involvement and experimentation with adult forms of autonomy, and with facets of identity. There is a much greater opportunity here for acting-out behavior to have dangerous and lasting consequences. Adolescents can certainly become depressed and anxious. However, adolescents also have a greater capacity for self-reflection, and for putting feelings into words, and should be encouraged to do so, at the right opportunity. Often, however, adolescents are not comfortable discussing such feelings with parents, and sometimes it makes more sense to involve a professional.
As before, your pediatrician can help determine when your school-age child’s or adolescent’s distress is severe enough to warrant professional attention.