Death - Supporting Others After the Death of a Child
By Dr. Brown
Most parents experience a profound sense of guilt when a child dies or harm comes to their child, even if it is no fault of their own. Parents have a strong sense of obligation to protect their child, and need to protect their child from harm.
When an older person dies, there's a sense of loss of all the good things and memories of the past. When a child dies, we lose a sense of "what could be". What would this child become - a famous athlete, an accomplished musician, or a wonderful father or mother of their own child? We miss out on future birthdays, graduations, weddings, holidays, or just wonderful companionship.
Please also see Death - Explaining Death to a Child on this website
Helpful Responses
It is a mistaken belief that bringing up the death in conversation will be harmful as it may reawaken a parent's grief. The funeral is formal time of grief for the family and may not afford one the ability to really talk about the issue; don't be afraid to make some time after the ceremony to have further discussions with the family.
A simple and nice thing to say is "I'm so sorry to hear about _________'s death. What a terrible loss for you and your family." Please don't try to provide advice - this may be taken the wrong way. Experessions of religous intrepretation may or may not be appropriate. Comments such as "he/she is better off now" may be perceived as diminishing the value of the child.
Please talk about the child during future interactions. Parents report that one of their greatest fears is that the child will be forgotten. As "helpful" as it may seem, comments such as "you need to get over it and get on with your life" can be very hurtful.
Please be aware of siblings - the sometimes called "forgotten mourners". Siblings may feel inferior and jealous if reactions by parents and others tend to over-memorialize the deceased. Siblings can also experience "survivor guilt". Fears of loss of surviving children may lead to parental over-protection of the surviving children.
Resources:
The Compassionate Friends 877/969-001; www.compassionatefrinds.org
Share - a group for those touched by miscarriage or the death of a newborn www.nationalshare.org
Bereaved Parents of the USA www.bereavedparentsusa.org
Survivors of Suicide - for those who have lost someone through suicide www.survivorofsuicide.com
Most parents experience a profound sense of guilt when a child dies or harm comes to their child, even if it is no fault of their own. Parents have a strong sense of obligation to protect their child, and need to protect their child from harm.
When an older person dies, there's a sense of loss of all the good things and memories of the past. When a child dies, we lose a sense of "what could be". What would this child become - a famous athlete, an accomplished musician, or a wonderful father or mother of their own child? We miss out on future birthdays, graduations, weddings, holidays, or just wonderful companionship.
Please also see Death - Explaining Death to a Child on this website
Helpful Responses
It is a mistaken belief that bringing up the death in conversation will be harmful as it may reawaken a parent's grief. The funeral is formal time of grief for the family and may not afford one the ability to really talk about the issue; don't be afraid to make some time after the ceremony to have further discussions with the family.
A simple and nice thing to say is "I'm so sorry to hear about _________'s death. What a terrible loss for you and your family." Please don't try to provide advice - this may be taken the wrong way. Experessions of religous intrepretation may or may not be appropriate. Comments such as "he/she is better off now" may be perceived as diminishing the value of the child.
Please talk about the child during future interactions. Parents report that one of their greatest fears is that the child will be forgotten. As "helpful" as it may seem, comments such as "you need to get over it and get on with your life" can be very hurtful.
Please be aware of siblings - the sometimes called "forgotten mourners". Siblings may feel inferior and jealous if reactions by parents and others tend to over-memorialize the deceased. Siblings can also experience "survivor guilt". Fears of loss of surviving children may lead to parental over-protection of the surviving children.
Resources:
The Compassionate Friends 877/969-001; www.compassionatefrinds.org
Share - a group for those touched by miscarriage or the death of a newborn www.nationalshare.org
Bereaved Parents of the USA www.bereavedparentsusa.org
Survivors of Suicide - for those who have lost someone through suicide www.survivorofsuicide.com